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Sharing from the Scar, Not the Wound



Have you ever shared something deeply personal before you were truly ready? I know I have, and it’s a feeling that can be both unsettling and overwhelming—a sensation that Brené Brown aptly describes as a “vulnerability hangover.”


It’s that moment when you’ve just exposed something raw and real, hoping to connect and find comfort, only to feel the urge to retreat and hide because the response wasn’t what you needed or expected. Sometimes, people just don’t know what to say, and their silence can feel like a void. Other times, an insensitive comment—a common experience for those grieving—can land like a sharp sting, making you wish you had never spoken up in the first place.


The truth is, we never really know how our stories will be received, and not everyone has earned the right to hear them. Brené reminds us that sharing our most tender experiences requires discernment. There’s a delicate balance between the desire to connect and the need to protect ourselves.


Just last Thursday, I found myself presenting at a grief conference, sharing the highlights of my losses with a room full of kind strangers. But this time, I spoke from a place of strength, with an open heart and steady emotions, rather than from a place of pain. I could tell my story without my voice quivering or my emotions rising to my throat—a sign that time, healing, and self-reflection had transformed my wounds into scars.

I shared from the scar, not the wound. This hasn’t always been possible for me. In the past, sharing might have been an attempt to make sense of the chaos, to seek validation, or to find solace in the understanding of others. But now, it felt different—it felt like an offering, not a plea.


Time and Place

Knowing when and with whom to share something so deeply personal is vital. But how do you know when it’s the right time? I believe it’s when you can share without fear that an insensitive or offhanded response will send you spiraling. When you tell your grief story, you may hear things you weren’t prepared for—some responses can be shocking. People might try to fix you, offer unsolicited advice, or simply change the subject, not realizing that their reactions can add layers of hurt to an already painful situation.


Timing is crucial. Early in grief, when emotions are raw and fresh, even a well-intentioned comment can feel like a blow. It’s important to give yourself permission to hold your story close until you’re ready to share it from a place of greater stability. Sharing prematurely can sometimes deepen the pain, leaving you feeling exposed and vulnerable in ways you hadn’t anticipated.


The place is just as important as the time. Consider who you’re sharing with and whether they have the capacity to hold space for your story without judgment, interruption, or the need to “fix” anything. Not everyone is equipped to handle the depth of grief, and that’s okay. What matters is that you choose to share with those who will listen with empathy and understanding, offering a safe space for you to express your feelings without the fear of being misunderstood.


Nuanced Vulnerability and Discernment

Vulnerability is a powerful thing. We all appreciate authenticity, honesty, and openness. However, for those who have faced trauma, it can be challenging. As someone who naturally leads with an open heart, learning to be discerning about who I share with and when has been a hard-earned lesson.


Vulnerability invites connection, but it also requires discernment. It’s not about being guarded or closed off—it’s about being mindful of who has earned the right to hear your story. When you share from a place of raw vulnerability, you’re opening yourself up to the possibility of deep connection, but also to the risk of further hurt. Discernment helps you navigate this delicate balance.


There’s a nuanced approach to vulnerability that involves understanding your own boundaries and recognizing when it’s safe to lower them. It’s about being honest with yourself first—asking whether you’re truly ready to share and whether you’re prepared for any response, be it positive or negative. Discernment doesn’t mean shutting people out; it means being selective about who you let in, ensuring that your story is received with the care and respect it deserves.


For me, this has meant learning to pause before sharing, to check in with myself and ask: Is this the right time? Is this the right person? Am I sharing from a place of need or from a place of strength? This internal dialogue has become a crucial part of my process, helping me protect my heart while still allowing me to be open and authentic when the moment is right.


A Case for Protection

It’s more than okay to protect your heart; it’s essential. Especially when the loss is fresh, unexpected, and raw, taking the time to heal before sharing can be a vital part of the process.


Protection doesn’t mean building walls or shutting others out. It means recognizing that your heart is tender and that it deserves care and consideration. In the early stages of grief, when emotions are tumultuous and everything feels uncertain, it’s okay to cocoon yourself, to take the time you need to process and heal before letting others in.


There’s a strength in knowing when to hold back, in giving yourself the space to breathe, reflect, and find your footing before exposing your pain to the world. This doesn’t make you weak or selfish—it makes you wise. You are honoring your process and your needs, ensuring that when you do choose to share, it’s from a place of empowerment rather than desperation.


Protecting your heart is also about recognizing that not everyone can offer the support you need. It’s okay to be selective about who you lean on, to choose the people who have shown they can hold space for you with love and without judgment. This is an act of self-love, a way of ensuring that your healing journey is supported by those who truly understand and respect your experience.


Remember, there will come a time when your wounds have turned to scars, when you can share your story with grace and confidence. Until then, protect your heart as it heals, knowing that in time, you’ll be ready to share from a place of strength, not pain.


 

Reflecting on my experience at the grief conference last week, I’m filled with gratitude and a sense of accomplishment. Speaking to a room of strangers about my journey through loss was not just an opportunity to connect with others but also a powerful affirmation of my own healing. I realized how far I’ve come—from a place of raw, unfiltered pain to a place where I can share my story with strength, clarity, and purpose.


The conference was a beautiful reminder that sharing from the scar, not the wound, allows us to offer our stories as gifts rather than burdens. It felt incredibly rewarding to contribute to a conversation about grief with honesty and vulnerability, knowing that my words might help someone else navigate their own path through loss. The experience reaffirmed the importance of time, place, and discernment in sharing our most personal stories, and it left me feeling more connected to my own journey and to the community of those who are walking this path of grief with courage and grace.


Love,

Andrea


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