Ritual of Remembrance

As we turn the corner toward Memorial Day, I’ve been reflecting on what this time of year means to me.

Growing up, I knew my family did things a little differently. While many were packing coolers, loading boats, and setting their sights on heading to the lake, my mom and I were gathering flowers, a picnic lunch, a blanket, and gallon jugs of water - for the plants, not for play.

Rather than heading to the lake, we headed to the cemeteries.

We made our way through the North Dakota countryside, stopping at each familiar resting place. One by one, we’d walk the gravesites while my parents shared the well-worn stories of our ancestors. American flags marked those who died in service - including many family members. Weathered stones dating back to the mid-1800s stirred my imagination. What was it like to settle this unforgiving land in winter? Why in the world did they choose to come to the far north region of North Dakota? I always assumed that they must have come in the summertime, and by the time winter set in it was too late to change their minds!

In those early years, we attended the Memorial Day service and then to Grandma Jo’s for family time of food, laughter, cousins. Things shifted after she died (as these things go). The picnics continued at various locations, but they were quieter and more reflective but still marked the end of our cemetery visits before heading home.

Then, one year changed everything.

My brother Rollo died on May 26th - just one day after Memorial Day that year.

After that, my parents shifted the tradition once more, visiting cemeteries in the days before the holiday to avoid running into people there (if you have been through suicide loss, you'll know why this was important to them - especially so many years ago). Memorial Day itself became a tender landmine of heavy grief. And six years later, when my brother Scott died, the weight of it all became almost unbearable as we visited the stones of those we lost much too early.

Still, my parents carried on. They never stopped making the rounds, even when their own hearts were heavy. And over time, what was once a ritual of remembrance gained new texture - thicker with sorrow, yes, but also meaningful and sacred.

Now, my parents rest there too. Their stones sit quietly in the family plot, and the sight of four family stones still takes me aback. When we buried my parents (and yes, we buried them - hands in the earth, a personal ritual you can read more about here), we began a new chapter in this legacy. Though so much has changed, this tradition lives on.

I’ve made a commitment to carry it forward in my own way.

I will make my way up north on the same familiar roads. I’ll bring flowers and plants. I’ll also bring the elements: fire (a candle) and water (with essential oils), the ever-present North Dakota wind will be present, and of course, the earth beneath my feet that I will bless and plant new life. I’ll call in my ancestors, light candles, speak prayers and blessings, and play favorite poems and music. My husband will be joining me this time (he has no idea what he’s in for .. !).

It won’t be overly elaborate and fancy. It doesn’t need to be. These rituals are about simplicity, connection, and meaning-making.

Much of the grief support I offer centers around reclaiming lost traditions - and creating new ones. Ritual reminds us that we are part of something larger, that life is fleeting, and that we can make space to honor it all.

So, if your weekend includes sunshine, fun, and freedom - let it! And if you can, take a moment to honor those who have come before you. Those who died in service. Those whose love shaped your life. ♥️

And if you feel moved to ritualize that remembrance, I’ve created a gentle guide to help you. This is the ritual I created and followed last year. I’ll be revisiting it this weekend and checking in on the little oak seedling that I planted. I hope it continues to thrive, and if not .. I will grieve that too before planting new life.

Ritual of Remembrance.pdf

Download PDF • 4.36MB

🎥 Watch a snippet of last year's ritual:

With reverence for the full cycle - life, death, and everything in between.