top of page

The Cyclical Nature of Life and Loss

I've been immersed in grief education as I prepare to share more of myself and my offerings both online and in my new local community. I've been thinking about something that’s near and dear to my heart: the platitudes that grievers often hear.


There are so many things people say to someone who has lost someone or something important to them - you know the ones: "I’m sorry for your loss," "They are in a better place," "They lived a good life," "Heaven only takes the best."


We live in a grief-illiterate society, and I truly believe these phrases come from (mostly) well-intentioned people who genuinely want to connect and reassure us. They are doing their best, but many grievers bristle when they hear them. Not because there isn’t truth or wisdom in these phrases, but because, when in the depths of loss, we need to be allowed to experience our pain fully, just as it is.


These sayings, while often true, have lost their potency and depth, and can feel hollow.


A big one: "Time heals all wounds."


I don’t remember much from the aftermath of my brother Rollo’s death by suicide. This was my first major experience of losing a loved one, and it shattered me.


But it’s funny what we do remember. I received a card that really touched me. I don’t remember all of it, but from what I recall, it said something along these lines:


"Slowly and gently, peace of heart will begin to slip back into your days."


Wow. It’s been twenty-six years, and I can still see that card in my mind's eye. I clung to that message as if my life depended on it - and truly, it did. It provided me with a tiny glimmer of hope during a time when I didn’t know up from down, and it felt like I would feel that way forever.


I needed to know that I wouldn’t always feel this way. I needed to know that the pain I was feeling would, over time, subside because I knew the unbearable weight of it would crush me if it didn’t.


As I think about this particular saying, overall I really believe that time is on our side when we are grieving. But with a big caveat:


It isn’t simply the passage of time that heals; it’s how we engage with time that makes all the difference.


Engaging with the Cyclical Nature of Life and Loss


I love observing cycles in nature. They remind me that everything is continually changing - absolutely nothing in nature stays the same. Nothing in nature is linear! Everything is cyclical - from the seasons of the year to the lunar cycles to our internal rhythms. Continual and constant change is evident both inside and outside of us.


Such is the nature of grief. It is not a linear, step-by-step process. Oh, how society would love it if it were as simple as: 1) lose a loved one, 2) plan and attend the funeral, and 3) you're done with this whole grieving thing. Go back to work - you've used your allotted bereavement days. Compartmentalize your pain and get the spreadsheet done.


But grieving is not linear. It’s a process. It is cyclical, rhythmic, spiraling, and evolves over time. Just like everything in nature.





No matter where you are on your grief journey, I encourage you to turn to nature and notice how things are continually changing. If you can, go far enough into nature to see some of the cycles of life and death. You won’t have to go far to see it - leaves, insects, (gulp, roadkill being consumed by scavengers), the sun changing its position in the sky. Our green grass and lush flowers and leaves are beginning to show slight signs of impact from the summer heat. You get the idea.


Your pain can change, too. Even if you don’t notice it now, you will look back and marvel at how it has gone from excruciating and unbearable to whatever it is now - and if you are in the excruciating and unbearable phase now, I promise you that it won’t always be this way.

Time is truly on your side. And so am I. If you need grief guidance, I am at your service. All you need to do is reply to this email, and we can find a time to connect.

I will be beginning very special grief circles in September - stay tuned!


In the meantime, step out into nature (or simply gaze out a window) and remember that continual shifts are happening both out there and within yourself.


All my Love,


Andrea

0 comments

Comments


bottom of page